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White House Chief of Staff Apologizes to Mentally Disabled, Pledges to Help Them Find Their Baseballs

On Wednesday White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel personally apologized to mentally disabled advocates for offensive remarks he made in regards to liberal activists. The Wall Street Journal reported last week that in a closed door meeting, Emanuel stated that the group’s plan to run ads against conservative Democrats was "F—ing retarded."

“I sincerely apologize for using that term,” Emanuel was quoted as saying at the White House meeting. “I should have used the term ‘dumbs—ts,’ because that’s what those people are. Honestly? We’re having trouble getting conservative members on our side, and these liberal c---suckers want alienate them with negative ads. Un-f---king-believable!” Emanuel then helped the group put on their backpacks and tuck in their stain-resistant shirts.

Leaders of the Special Olympics and the American Association of People with Disabilities said they accepted Emanuel's apology. Emanuel says he is looking to move forward.

The subject picked up some major press coverage when former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin called for Emanuel’s resignation. Palin has a developmentally delayed child and is suspected of being mentally disabled herself. When asked to comment on Emanuel’s apology, Palin was distracted by a shiny moving object.

Groundhog Sees Shadow - Winter Olympics Back On

The uncertainty surrounding the upcoming start of the Winter Olympics was finally put to bed this morning. Punxsutawney Phil, the friendly little marmot put in charge of determining whether the six remaining weeks of winter will indeed be coming to accommodate the games, rose from his slumber and successfully saw his shadow.

Winter Olympics Spokesman John Babenaux admitted to being more than a little worried. “February 2 is always nerve-racking. We’ve been preparing for these events for the past couple years. The city of Vancouver (Canada), which is anticipating the economic boom that the Winter Games represents, has been preparing for even longer. Too think that it might all end before it even starts… It’s horrible.”

While Babenaux did not provide specific details on what kind of actions would have been taken if winter was officially declared dead, he did imply that some form of Games would go on regardless. “Our athletes are Olympians, not one-trick ponies. Sure, Apolo is a fast skater. But have you seen him scuba? Bodie Miller can handle a pair of skis, but he can also handle a pocket pair of Aces.”

While the Olympic committee now has to deal with conspiracy theorists (likely frustrated by the harsh winter) claims of ‘Shadow Tampering’, it is nearly certain that the games will go on as scheduled. The score: Winter Olympics – 1; Phil – 0.