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White House Chief of Staff Apologizes to Mentally Disabled, Pledges to Help Them Find Their Baseballs

On Wednesday White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel personally apologized to mentally disabled advocates for offensive remarks he made in regards to liberal activists. The Wall Street Journal reported last week that in a closed door meeting, Emanuel stated that the group’s plan to run ads against conservative Democrats was "F—ing retarded."

“I sincerely apologize for using that term,” Emanuel was quoted as saying at the White House meeting. “I should have used the term ‘dumbs—ts,’ because that’s what those people are. Honestly? We’re having trouble getting conservative members on our side, and these liberal c---suckers want alienate them with negative ads. Un-f---king-believable!” Emanuel then helped the group put on their backpacks and tuck in their stain-resistant shirts.

Leaders of the Special Olympics and the American Association of People with Disabilities said they accepted Emanuel's apology. Emanuel says he is looking to move forward.

The subject picked up some major press coverage when former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin called for Emanuel’s resignation. Palin has a developmentally delayed child and is suspected of being mentally disabled herself. When asked to comment on Emanuel’s apology, Palin was distracted by a shiny moving object.

Groundhog Sees Shadow - Winter Olympics Back On

The uncertainty surrounding the upcoming start of the Winter Olympics was finally put to bed this morning. Punxsutawney Phil, the friendly little marmot put in charge of determining whether the six remaining weeks of winter will indeed be coming to accommodate the games, rose from his slumber and successfully saw his shadow.

Winter Olympics Spokesman John Babenaux admitted to being more than a little worried. “February 2 is always nerve-racking. We’ve been preparing for these events for the past couple years. The city of Vancouver (Canada), which is anticipating the economic boom that the Winter Games represents, has been preparing for even longer. Too think that it might all end before it even starts… It’s horrible.”

While Babenaux did not provide specific details on what kind of actions would have been taken if winter was officially declared dead, he did imply that some form of Games would go on regardless. “Our athletes are Olympians, not one-trick ponies. Sure, Apolo is a fast skater. But have you seen him scuba? Bodie Miller can handle a pair of skis, but he can also handle a pocket pair of Aces.”

While the Olympic committee now has to deal with conspiracy theorists (likely frustrated by the harsh winter) claims of ‘Shadow Tampering’, it is nearly certain that the games will go on as scheduled. The score: Winter Olympics – 1; Phil – 0.

Special Feature: Movie Review

A special message from the editors:

Like our contributors, we at Snews assume that all five of our readers have a severe learning disability, watch Fox News, and think Geico commercials are funny. In an effort to serve our readership better, the editors have decided to pepper our regular content with some “arts and culture” pieces. We hope these efforts will enrich and stimulate our poorly educated followers. Enjoy!

Movie Review: Julie and Julia

By: Robert Surly

It is awards season in Hollywood. As is typical with the season, there is a tangible buzz in the L.A. air. I would not know, because I am currently reheating a hotpocket in my Capitol Hill “efficiency apartment.”

Just like last year Meryl Streep’s name keeps coming up. Did she top her performance in “Doubt?” In short, yes. She turns in a masterful performance as T.V. chef Julia Child. Streep plays the high-pitched, ogress “to a t.”

The film follows Julie, played Amy Adams, as she attempts to cook through Ms. Child’s famous cookbook. Along the way, the narrative is split into two; one following Ms. Child’s journey as a French food connoisseur and the other tracks Adams’ character who throws childlike temper tantrums.

Unfortunately, Adams is less impressive here as she had been in the past. It may not be her fault but her character is absolutely despicable. I for one wish she could go back to her glory days as the “hot girl” in season one, episode six of “The Office.” Oh yes, and her face has gotten fat.

It should be noted that his motion picture was written and directed by Nora Ephron, the script machine that also brought us “Bewtiched” and “Lucky Numbers.” There is nothing much I can say about her, other than that she is The Devil. Someone needs to find her formula for neanderthal romantic comedies and burn it.

In sum: Kudos to you Ms. Streep! Boo to the witless hack that wrote and directed this tripe!

I ultimately despised this film less than most of the refuse I am forced to sit through. But now I am hungry again.

** (out of seven)

Robert Surly is Snews’ resident film critic. Mr. Surly is a graduate of Seattle-Pacific University and the prestigious Hollywood Upstairs Film School. He is a failed screenplay writer and has directed a softcore porn movie for Cinemax. Mr. Surly weighs over three hundred pounds, is nearsighted, and wears a beard. In his spare time he does not like to use his legs. Contrary to rumors, Mr. Surly has had intercourse with a woman (three times).

Energized WA GOP Steps-Up Senate Recruitment Effort, Nervous Dems Defiantly Poop Pants

In the wake of the Scott Brown’s stunning Senate win in Massachusetts, Washington State Republicans are dissecting the race to see how they can win in a traditionally blue state.

Senator Patty Murray is up for reelection in 2008, and the party is frantically trying to find someone credible to run. Murray beat a political giant-slayer, Spokane Congressman George Nethercutt, by 12 points in 2004.

“I believe we can learn a lot of things from the Scott Brown model,” said state Republican chair Luke Esser. “In fact, we think we can even improve on that. First, we’re looking to find someone with a more generic Anglo-Saxon name, like John Smith or Jack Baker. Second, we want to find someone who has done full frontal nudity, maybe even hardcore porno.” Esser referred to Brown's partially naked Cosmopolitan Magazine spread which he did in the early 1980's. “We actually put calls into Hustler and Penthouse. I think this is a winning formula.”

The Chairman for the State Democrats, Dwight Pelz, was dismissive of his counterpart’s new strategy. “The only reason why Democrats lost in Massachusetts was because of George W. Bush. Our party is in this situation because of President Bush and his radical right-wing policies.”

A recent Elway poll may give Pelz some relief. According to the poll Murray would beat a generic Republican challenger 93% to 2%, with the remaining 2% being undecided and another 3% voting for the Unicorn Liberation Party.

Despite these numbers Senator Murray, have been reluctant to comment on her race. In an in-person interview, Murray, while staring up at the ceiling blinked her eyes twice, and drooled. An aide said later that her attempts to touch this reporter’s hair meant that “she liked me.”

Healthcare Bill is Dead; Republicans Fear Zombie Version

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced on Thursday that the House would not attempt to pass the Senate version of the sweeping healthcare legislation– signaling its death. Republicans, however, were quick to warn that extra measures should be taken to make sure healthcare reform stays dead.

“We live in a dangerous time where the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very real,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With that in mind, I urge Democratic leaders to make sure that this bill stays dead.”

At a joint GOP caucus meeting early in the day, Republicans threw around several potential solutions. Among them were the classic methods of lodging a bullet in its brain and completely decapitating it. House Minority Whip Eric Cantor warned that some zombies have been known to take up to 14 body shots before dying. Others recommended that that the bill be doused in kerosene and burned so as to avoid the risk of it coming back as a “super running zombie.”

In a press release, Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine shot back saying that the Republican proposals were the latest in a “long pattern of discrimination” against “disenfranchised groups” such as “Quasi-dead Americans.”

-Hardball

Carroll Given Warning: 7 Months to Prove Yourself

With Seahawks brass still believing the team can be a contender, Pete Carroll has been put on notice. If the team is not showing Super Bowl-caliber play within his first seven months on the job, the position of head coach will be given to Jay Leno.

While Leno’s credentials as a professional football coach are highly suspect, a source close to the situation insists that the beleaguered comedian would bring something to the team that it has sorely lacked: A performance on the sideline that is equally laughable to the performance on the field.

Lofa Tatupu (a former Trojan under Carroll) who had been openly looking forward to his reunion with the coach, did admit that the proposition of Leno in charge was intriguing. “Jay has proven himself in the past to be as ruthless as they come. That kind of ‘stab-your-best-friend-in-the-back’ mentality has been missing since our [Super Bowl] run back in ’05. While his football experience is limited, this could be the shot in the arm that the organization needs.”

While we have yet to hear from the Leno camp on the matter, friend and fellow late night host Conan O’Brien commented that Jay should “definitely take the job.”

In order to remain in compliance with the Rooney Rule, the Seahawks have already reached out to George Lopez as a precautionary measure. While Mr. Lopez could not be directly reached for comment, his representatives at TBS insist that this whole situation is ‘very funny.'