Healthcare Bill is Dead; Republicans Fear Zombie Version

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced on Thursday that the House would not attempt to pass the Senate version of the sweeping healthcare legislation– signaling its death. Republicans, however, were quick to warn that extra measures should be taken to make sure healthcare reform stays dead.

“We live in a dangerous time where the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very real,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With that in mind, I urge Democratic leaders to make sure that this bill stays dead.”

At a joint GOP caucus meeting early in the day, Republicans threw around several potential solutions. Among them were the classic methods of lodging a bullet in its brain and completely decapitating it. House Minority Whip Eric Cantor warned that some zombies have been known to take up to 14 body shots before dying. Others recommended that that the bill be doused in kerosene and burned so as to avoid the risk of it coming back as a “super running zombie.”

In a press release, Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine shot back saying that the Republican proposals were the latest in a “long pattern of discrimination” against “disenfranchised groups” such as “Quasi-dead Americans.”

-Hardball