Special Feature: Movie Review

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Like our contributors, we at Snews assume that all five of our readers have a severe learning disability, watch Fox News, and think Geico commercials are funny. In an effort to serve our readership better, the editors have decided to pepper our regular content with some “arts and culture” pieces. We hope these efforts will enrich and stimulate our poorly educated followers. Enjoy!

Movie Review: Julie and Julia

By: Robert Surly

It is awards season in Hollywood. As is typical with the season, there is a tangible buzz in the L.A. air. I would not know, because I am currently reheating a hotpocket in my Capitol Hill “efficiency apartment.”

Just like last year Meryl Streep’s name keeps coming up. Did she top her performance in “Doubt?” In short, yes. She turns in a masterful performance as T.V. chef Julia Child. Streep plays the high-pitched, ogress “to a t.”

The film follows Julie, played Amy Adams, as she attempts to cook through Ms. Child’s famous cookbook. Along the way, the narrative is split into two; one following Ms. Child’s journey as a French food connoisseur and the other tracks Adams’ character who throws childlike temper tantrums.

Unfortunately, Adams is less impressive here as she had been in the past. It may not be her fault but her character is absolutely despicable. I for one wish she could go back to her glory days as the “hot girl” in season one, episode six of “The Office.” Oh yes, and her face has gotten fat.

It should be noted that his motion picture was written and directed by Nora Ephron, the script machine that also brought us “Bewtiched” and “Lucky Numbers.” There is nothing much I can say about her, other than that she is The Devil. Someone needs to find her formula for neanderthal romantic comedies and burn it.

In sum: Kudos to you Ms. Streep! Boo to the witless hack that wrote and directed this tripe!

I ultimately despised this film less than most of the refuse I am forced to sit through. But now I am hungry again.

** (out of seven)

Robert Surly is Snews’ resident film critic. Mr. Surly is a graduate of Seattle-Pacific University and the prestigious Hollywood Upstairs Film School. He is a failed screenplay writer and has directed a softcore porn movie for Cinemax. Mr. Surly weighs over three hundred pounds, is nearsighted, and wears a beard. In his spare time he does not like to use his legs. Contrary to rumors, Mr. Surly has had intercourse with a woman (three times).

Energized WA GOP Steps-Up Senate Recruitment Effort, Nervous Dems Defiantly Poop Pants

In the wake of the Scott Brown’s stunning Senate win in Massachusetts, Washington State Republicans are dissecting the race to see how they can win in a traditionally blue state.

Senator Patty Murray is up for reelection in 2008, and the party is frantically trying to find someone credible to run. Murray beat a political giant-slayer, Spokane Congressman George Nethercutt, by 12 points in 2004.

“I believe we can learn a lot of things from the Scott Brown model,” said state Republican chair Luke Esser. “In fact, we think we can even improve on that. First, we’re looking to find someone with a more generic Anglo-Saxon name, like John Smith or Jack Baker. Second, we want to find someone who has done full frontal nudity, maybe even hardcore porno.” Esser referred to Brown's partially naked Cosmopolitan Magazine spread which he did in the early 1980's. “We actually put calls into Hustler and Penthouse. I think this is a winning formula.”

The Chairman for the State Democrats, Dwight Pelz, was dismissive of his counterpart’s new strategy. “The only reason why Democrats lost in Massachusetts was because of George W. Bush. Our party is in this situation because of President Bush and his radical right-wing policies.”

A recent Elway poll may give Pelz some relief. According to the poll Murray would beat a generic Republican challenger 93% to 2%, with the remaining 2% being undecided and another 3% voting for the Unicorn Liberation Party.

Despite these numbers Senator Murray, have been reluctant to comment on her race. In an in-person interview, Murray, while staring up at the ceiling blinked her eyes twice, and drooled. An aide said later that her attempts to touch this reporter’s hair meant that “she liked me.”

Healthcare Bill is Dead; Republicans Fear Zombie Version

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced on Thursday that the House would not attempt to pass the Senate version of the sweeping healthcare legislation– signaling its death. Republicans, however, were quick to warn that extra measures should be taken to make sure healthcare reform stays dead.

“We live in a dangerous time where the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very real,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With that in mind, I urge Democratic leaders to make sure that this bill stays dead.”

At a joint GOP caucus meeting early in the day, Republicans threw around several potential solutions. Among them were the classic methods of lodging a bullet in its brain and completely decapitating it. House Minority Whip Eric Cantor warned that some zombies have been known to take up to 14 body shots before dying. Others recommended that that the bill be doused in kerosene and burned so as to avoid the risk of it coming back as a “super running zombie.”

In a press release, Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine shot back saying that the Republican proposals were the latest in a “long pattern of discrimination” against “disenfranchised groups” such as “Quasi-dead Americans.”

-Hardball

Carroll Given Warning: 7 Months to Prove Yourself

With Seahawks brass still believing the team can be a contender, Pete Carroll has been put on notice. If the team is not showing Super Bowl-caliber play within his first seven months on the job, the position of head coach will be given to Jay Leno.

While Leno’s credentials as a professional football coach are highly suspect, a source close to the situation insists that the beleaguered comedian would bring something to the team that it has sorely lacked: A performance on the sideline that is equally laughable to the performance on the field.

Lofa Tatupu (a former Trojan under Carroll) who had been openly looking forward to his reunion with the coach, did admit that the proposition of Leno in charge was intriguing. “Jay has proven himself in the past to be as ruthless as they come. That kind of ‘stab-your-best-friend-in-the-back’ mentality has been missing since our [Super Bowl] run back in ’05. While his football experience is limited, this could be the shot in the arm that the organization needs.”

While we have yet to hear from the Leno camp on the matter, friend and fellow late night host Conan O’Brien commented that Jay should “definitely take the job.”

In order to remain in compliance with the Rooney Rule, the Seahawks have already reached out to George Lopez as a precautionary measure. While Mr. Lopez could not be directly reached for comment, his representatives at TBS insist that this whole situation is ‘very funny.'

Pete Carroll Demoted to Head Coach of Seattle Seahawks

In the shadow of his worse season in 9 years and possible sanctions due to recruiting violations, Pete Carroll, formerly of USC, has been demoted to the position of Head Coach for the Seattle Seahawks.

Surely such a rapid career descent would send most collegiate head coaches reeling in shock, but that remains to be seen for the coach who’s nicknamed “Big Balls Pete”, courtesy the USC Marching Band. Carroll has steadfastly contended that the transition from coaching a decorated program like USC to coaching the Seahawks has done nothing but verify the impressive size of said balls.

Others close to the situation, however, are not showing the same positive disposition as Carroll.

“The punishment doesn’t fit the crime,” says USC student Trevor Smith. “Maybe be demoted to Defensive Coordinator or Trainer or something. Everybody here just really feels for Pete and the entire Carroll family.”

While USC football fans are coping with the dramatic demotion of their once successful leader, Seahawk fans are offering their emotional support.

Local Seattle organic grocery clerk and football fan Dan Taylor offered these sentiments for the embattled coach, saying “It’s really a shame for a guy who’s achieved so much. I, for one, am confident he’ll be able to get back up to USC in no time”.

For the more optimistic sports fan, it isn’t all dark and gloomy for Carroll (weather withstanding). This backward career move does offer the following bright spots:

• The talent pool will be considerably more shallow in the NFC West compared to what Carroll routinely saw in the PAC 10



• With players’ salaries on the Seahawks significantly lower than those on the Trojans, Carroll shouldn’t have to deal with the kind of prima donna behavior that plagued the high-paid talent on USC



• Carroll enters this season with a group of veterans that have a longstanding history of walking the walk and talking the talk
  

While it seems natural that Seattle will benefit from a Head Coach who has experience in a much more competitive conference, there are still plenty of skeptics who are unsure how successful the transition will be.

“I don’t care how many titles or awards he’s won, it’s a different game down here. You can’t just come in with a high energy game plan and expect the slow, aging players to cooperate.” said Seahawks fan Tom Jeffries.

Despite the clearly intoxicated state of Mr. Jeffries, his statement hits a little too close to home. Will the former leader of a super talented team be able to motivate and energize a roster of players who are used to mediocrity? Will Carroll be able to regain his once sterling reputation and be re-invited to an elite head coaching position? Only time will tell for Mr. Big Balls.